spared, protected, safe.

Senior Seminar has obviously taken over my life since the beginning of the semester. It consumes my time, my thoughts, my conversations, my study time. I even dream about Senior Seminar when I sleep. Due to this fact, one must feel strongly about their topic of interest... because this topic will RULE YOUR LIFE. 

I love the irony of switching topics the day I traveled back to JBU...

I love that I never felt safe with my old topic and it forced me to reconsider switching topics.  

I love that God totally spared me from intense emotional suffering for an entire semester.... 

Last semester, I chose "The Long-term Effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in College Women as a result of Multiple Childhood Traumas." (it's a mouthful, right?). At the time of this choice, I was extremely stressed. I was going to counseling and digging up my past. I was emotional, vulnerable, and searching for answers to why I felt the way I did....  

I picked my topic. 

I researched and found over 75 articles. 

I talked with friends and was given great resources and books to use. 

I completed my Thesis Proposal. 

I was ready to start writing.... 

but the entire time, I didn't feel right about it. 

I kept pushing through, I even attended a conference during my internship that I thought would greatly benefit my study. I walked into the session entitled:: "Helping Children Cope with Trauma" and never expected to see myself leaving part way through because of a panic attack and then crying in the car on the way home. I was so overwhelmed. 

That was me that the speaker was talking about.

That was me that I was reading about in all those articles. 

I was that little girl who suffered multiple childhood traumas and still suffers from the repercussions from time to time. I just wouldn't let myself see that... I didn't want to be identified in that way.  I wanted to push it away... and I didn't let myself see it until it was staring me in the face at that conference. 

I may be that little girl... 

but I have been rescued. 

and I have been redeemed. 

and I am being restored... 

little by little. 

baby steps. 

I really do believe God helped me switch topics. because he knew I couldn't handle diving head first into the unknown depths of my childhood. He knew I could not handle dealing with all of my personal life while being consumed by a project that rules my life right now. 

some things are just too much to take on all at once. 

sometimes there is just too much pain involved and it has to be a process over the years... 

but I rest in the arms of a God who's love, grace, mercy, and tenderness are greater than that pain and suffering. 

and so, I will travel a different road for this project than I first expected. 

and I will trust Him, Follow Him, and see the places he will take me instead.